Well, I’m about to turn t-w-o mom, and though you have done a stellar job of keeping me alive since my last letter, I feel I must write you again to provide some updates about what you can be expecting me to expect you to remember. You’re welcome.
1. I really very strongly dislike anything that I do not want right now. That is subject to immediate change. I don’t know why you are frowning at me.
2. Whatever I do want, I require immediately. I will repeat the same word or gesture over and over again until you provide me with whatever that happens to be, because you appear to forget that I’ve asked for something awfully quickly.
3. Why are you coming near me with those scissors? I like my hair where it is. NOOOOO! AHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! DID YOU EVEN READ THAT FIRST BULLET?!
4. You weren’t trying to get somewhere in a hurry were you? There are lots of very interesting things on these stairs that require immediate inspection.
4a. And don’t you dare try to carry me down the stairs, woman. This is important. I will wail like I have never wailed before.
5. If you forget my bankie anywhere (aka the lovey)…well, just make sure you don’t ever forget one anywhere.
6. Bankie combinations in order of how happy they make me: Single bankie = good. Double-bankie = really good. Triple-bankie = awesome. Mega-bankie (all four!) = AHHHH I’M SO EXCITED I MUST THROW MYSELF ON THE FLOOR. If you really want me to be good, I suggest my bankie quota fall somewhere between the triple and mega.
7. I really like the record player. I also really like Baba O’Reilly by “Whooooo.” You may not play any other song, ever. I’m serious.
8. I like when you pick food up, you make funny noises. I will keep throwing food for you, because you still seem bored.
9. Raw beans are for eating. Not for playing with. Stop trying to tell me otherwise.
9a. Same goes for crayons.
10. Brushing my teeth is slow-grown torture. I am done trying to tell you this. Just stop.
11. If you try to rush me anywhere and pick me up, I will practice civil disobedience and become a wet noodle. Good luck picking me up now.
12. Did you say you wanted me to get my shoes? Look at this cone, I can wear it as a hat!
13. Toilet paper is better unrolled on the floor. You keep forgetting, so I will continue to fix it for you.
I think that is about it for now, mom. I think there may be an addendum to this list in your future, but for now this will suffice. I will continue to be infuriatingly cute whenever I cause a ruckus because I know how much you love it. Here’s to my birth day, the most challenging (but obviously the best) day of your life. But seriously, make sure you read my points.